Sounding Circle - Category: Humour

19 Nov 2003 @ 10:01
This article appeared in The Onion. If you're not sure what that means, read the very last line of this message.

FDA Approves Sale of Prescription Placebo
WASHINGTON, DC- 9/17/03 -

After more than four decades of testing in tandem with other drugs, placebo gained approval for prescription use from the Food and Drug Administration Monday.

"For years, scientists have been aware of the effectiveness of placebo in treating a surprisingly wide range of conditions," said Dr. Jonathan Bergen of the FDA's Center for Drug Evaluation and Research. "It was time to provide doctors with this often highly effective option."

In its most common form, placebo is a white, crystalline substance of a sandy consistency, obtained from the evaporated juice of the Saccharum officinarum plant. The FDA has approved placebo in doses ranging from 1 to 40,000 milligrams.

The long-awaited approval will allow pharmaceutical companies to market placebo in pill and liquid form. Eleven major drug companies have developed placebo tablets, the first of which, AstraZeneca's Sucrosa, hits shelves Sept. 24.

"We couldn't be more thrilled to finally get this wonder drug out of the labs and into consumers' medicine cabinets," said Tami Erickson, a spokeswoman for AstraZeneca. "Studies show placebo to be effective in the treatment of many ailments and disorders, ranging from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea."

Pain-sufferers like Margerite Kohler, who participated in a Sucrosa study in March, welcomed the FDA's approval.

"For years, I battled with strange headaches that surfaced during times of stress," Kohler said. "Doctors repeatedly turned me away empty-handed, or suggested that I try an over- the-counter pain reliever-as if that would be strong enough. Finally, I heard about Sucrosa. They said, 'This will work,' and it worked. The headaches are gone."

Researchers diagnosed Kohler with Random Occasional Nonspecific Pain and Discomfort Disorder (RONPDD), a minor but surprisingly pervasive medical condition that strikes otherwise healthy adults. RONPDD is only one of many disorders for which placebo has proven effective, Bergen said.

"Placebo has been successful in the treatment of everything from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," Bergen said. "That's the beauty, and the mystery, of placebo. It's all-purpose. Think of it like aspirin, but without any of the analgesic properties."

The FDA is expected to approve the drug for a wide range of mood disorders later this year. According to Bergen, initial research has shown placebo to be effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder, depression, dysthymia, panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, seasonal affective disorder, and stress.

As industry analysts predict the drug's sales will top $25 billion in the first year, the approval of placebo is expected to unleash one of the pharmaceutical industry's biggest marketing battles to date.

GlaxoSmithKline expects to have two versions of placebo on the shelves in late December. One, a 40-milligram pill called Appeasor, will be marketed to patients 55 and over, while the other, Inertra, designed for middle-aged women, is a liquid that comes in a 355-milliliter can, and is cola-flavored. Eli Lilly plans a $3 million marketing campaign for its 400-milligram tablet, Pacifex.

"All placebos are not the same," Eli Lilly spokesman Giles French said. "Pacifex is the only placebo that's green and shaped like a triangle. Pacifex: A doctor gave it to you." Despite such ringing endorsements, some members of the medical community have spoken out against placebo's approval, saying that the drug's wide range of side effects is a cause for concern.

"Yes, placebo has benefits, but studies link it to a hundred different side effects, from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," drug researcher Patrick Wheeler said. "Placebo wreaked havoc all over the body, with no rhyme or reason. Basically, whichever side effects were included on the questionnaire, we found in research subjects."

Added Wheeler: "We must not introduce placebo to the public until we pinpoint exactly how and why it works. The drug never should have advanced beyond the stage of animal testing, which, for some reason, was totally ineffective in determining its effectiveness." In spite of the confusing data, drug makers say placebo is safe.

"The only side effect consistent in all test subjects was a negligible one-an almost imperceptible elevation in blood-glucose levels," French said. "It's unfair to the American people to withhold a drug so many of them desperately think they need."

Can over-the-counter placebo be far behind?

The Onion - Copyright 2003 - this item from The Onion, a satirical news web site.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

Ensgilh 101

Bark-Translator Plans Gadget For Cat

28 Sep 2003 @ 00:46
Ensgilh 101 9-15-3

Ensgilh 101

Acocdrnig to an elgnsih unviesitry sutdy the oredr of letetrs in a wrod dosen't mttaer, the olny thnig thta's iopmrantt is that the frsit and lsat Ltteer of eevry word is in the crcreot ptoision. The rset can be jmbueld and one is stlil able to raed the txet wiohtut dclftfuiiy. More >

Thursday, July 24, 2003

24 Jul 2003 @ 07:31
More fodder for the landfills.
"We are Spirits, in the material world" - The Police (Sting)

Bark-Translator Plans Gadget For Cat

The Japanese manufacturers of a gadget that claims to translate dogs barks into human language is planning a similar device for cats.

After selling 300,000 Bowlingual units, Takara is set to release the Meowlingual.

The cat-shaped machine set to go on sale in November and translates meows and purrs into human phrases, although exact wording hasn't been decided yet.

The translation device will likely sell for £45, slightly cheaper than the $75 Bowlingual, which has been a big hit.

Both gadgets use scientific data on animal sounds from a Tokyo laboratory that also analyses human voices, helps solve crime and takes part in designing software for mobile phones.

Takara plans to start selling Bowlingual in the United States in August. Overseas sales plans for Meowlingual are still undecided.

"Cats are smaller and more finicky than dogs so we had to change the design a little," Takara spokeswoman Maiko Hasumi said.

The feline version won't strap on the collar as does the Bowlingual, and a person must hold the microphone in the machine up to the cat's mouth and hope it says something, she said.

In case your cat's not in the mood, the machine will have "playful features," such as a horoscope reading for cat lovers and other surprises in the works, she said.

Takara is planning to sell 300,000 Meowlingual machines by March 2004. More >

Friday, July 11, 2003

Thw Two Dolphins

11 Jul 2003 @ 08:41
Stress Test

This is a simple test to determine your stress levels. More >

Monday, July 7, 2003

Metaphorical Mayhem

4 comments

7 Jul 2003 @ 17:25
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. -- Sue Lin Chong, Washington

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. -- Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. -- Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. -- Russell Beland, Springfield

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. -- Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. -- Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. -- Russell Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. -- Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. -- Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. -- Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. -- Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. -- Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. --Wayne Goode, Madison, AL

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. -- Paul Kocak, Syracuse NY

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. -- Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. -- Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. -- Unknown

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. -- Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. -- Sandra Hull, Arlington

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Jeopardy. -- Jean Sorensen, Herndon

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. -- Jerry Pannullo, Kensington

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. -- Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. -- Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. -- Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. -- John Kammer, Herndon

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. -- Barbara Collier, Garrett Park

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. --Susan Reese, Arlington

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. -- Marian Carlsson, Lexington

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. -- J.F. Knowles, Springfield

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. -- Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. -- Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. -- Unknown

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. -- Susan Reese, Arlington

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. -- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. -- Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. -- Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. -- Sue Lin Chong, Washington

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. -- Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

Ah,but wait there's more... More >

Wednesday, July 2, 2003

Happy 4th, Fun Website

Blind Psychic Gropes Buttocks to See Future

2 Jul 2003 @ 14:40
http://www.njagyouth.org/liberty.htm

Fun in New York City.

Tuesday, July 1, 2003

Got The Giggles? Join The Club

1 Jul 2003 @ 10:03
Blind Psychic Gropes Buttocks to See Future
Tue Jul 9,11:06 AM ET

By Nick Tattersall

BERLIN (Reuters) - Forget palm-reading. A blind German psychic claimed Tuesday he could read people's futures by feeling their naked buttocks.

Clairvoyant Ulf Buck, 39, claims that people's backsides have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about their character and destiny.

"The bottom is much more intense -- it has a much stronger power of expression than the hand in my experience," Buck told Reuters. "It goes on developing throughout your life."

By running his fingers along a number of lines on the surface of a client's posterior, he says he can tell them about their future monetary success, family life, health and happiness.

He says lines representing success, career and artistic ability extend inwards from the outer extremities of the buttocks, while a further five lines radiate outwards.

"I began on a circle of friends and the circle grew," Buck said. "I am not a new-age freak. I treat people with great care and conscientiousness."

Buck, who lives in the northern village of Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says all types come to him to have their bottoms read.

He sees his blindness as a great asset, not least because it means customers do not risk having their identities revealed.

"All sorts come, from cleaning ladies and secretaries to prominent members of the community. For them, my being blind is an advantage because I can do it without recognizing them again in the future." Buck has been blind since the age of three.

Although he claims to have spent many years training his fingers, with his index and middle fingers the most sensitive, Buck says even amateur buttock readers can make a broad-brush assessment of people's personalities.

"An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life," he said. "A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth."

He is quick to shoot down any suggestion that his buttock groping might be motivated by anything other than a genuine desire to probe people's futures.

"I do not need to feel bottoms for my own pleasure. My wife is quite beautiful enough for me," he said.

Buck is reluctant to speak about his successes, but says he correctly predicted an actress from a popular German soap-opera was going to write a book, and says a stockbroker has been using his services for over two years.

"No stockbroker would keep asking a blind clairvoyant to tell them about future stock prices if they didn't believe I could to it," he said.

Monday, June 30, 2003

Two People To Do All The Work

30 Jun 2003 @ 06:08
Got The Giggles? Join The Club}
By Eric Trump
New York Times
July 27, 2002

On Jan. 30, 1962, at Kashasha village near Lake Victoria in what is now Tanzania, three schoolgirls got the giggles. Tears rolling down their cheeks, they couldn't stop laughing or keep their contagion of chuckles from spreading to almost half the other girls at their boarding school. Some fits were lasting minutes, others hours, some up to 16 days, until exasperated administrators closed the school five months later. Afflicted girls were sent home to their villages around Lake Victoria, where they duly infected more children and young adults with their "sickness." Before the epidemic finally relented, in 1964, it forced the temporary closing of more than 14 schools, all because of unstoppable laughter.

What was so funny no one ever discovered, but the mirth gathered a momentum that caught hundreds of unsuspecting villagers in its riptide. At the time, it was considered a pathology to be quarantined and quashed. But today, this unmoored laughter is celebrated in over 1,000 laughter clubs worldwide as a therapy to reduce stress, lower blood pressure, strengthen the immune system and perhaps even lead to world peace.

The first club began with Dr. Madan Kataria, known as the Giggling Guru, in Bombay. In 1995, having read about the health benefits of hasya (laughing) yoga, he gathered a few friends in a park where they told jokes to one another. But over time the jokes fell flat or got smutty, so Dr. Kataria developed a catalog of comical expressions and sounds that he and his confreres used to stimulate and simulate laughter. The guiding principle was that while humor can fail to produce the expulsion of air and muscle contractions known as laughter, forced laughter always works because it transcends thought.

Dr. Kataria's trick worked. His most famous stance, the lion laugh (eyes bulging, voice roaring and hands pawing the air), got even the most world-weary laughing. His group grew, meeting regularly to force laughter into the morning air. By 1998, it was a movement, with 12,000 people gathering at a Bombay racetrack to celebrate the first World Laughter Day, a day that this year was celebrated here and in India on May 5.

Since then, laughter clubs have been erupting all over the world. They were introduced to America through Dr. Kataria's friend Steve Wilson of Columbus, Ohio, a self-described "joyologist" and former psychologist who trains club leaders and was a co-founder of the World Laughter Tour Inc., a clearinghouse for what participants call the American laughter movement. Naturally the group has a Web site ([link]) directing the curious to local chapters or "a Certified Laughter Leader in your area."

"The human spirit always comes back to laughter," said Mr. Wilson, who is also known as the Cheerman of the Bored. "Misery loves company, but laughter loves it more. It's a sign of health and perseverance. We've got 5,000 years of proof."

Human beings, of course, have been laughing a long time. Robert Provine, a behavioral neurobiologist at the University of Maryland in Baltimore, believes that the first laugh rang out about six million years ago, when hominids first stood upright, a position that allowed for respiratory control and freed the lungs and larynx to laugh. Laughter developed, he writes in "Laughter: A Scientific Investigation" ([link]), before language, and was the result not of jest, but of fear, giddiness, disappointment -- a passing mammoth. Mr. Provine, who has recorded hundreds of episodes of people laughing, says that some 90 percent of our laughter is not the direct result of a specific joke.

Laughter has been the subject of serious speculation for a long time. Plato was wary of the sound's effect on the republic's guardians and wanted it censored. Aristotle argued for moderation: excess laughter was for "buffoons." By the Renaissance, laughter studies had emerged. In the 17th century, Hobbes supported the superiority theory, which held that laughter was a "sudden glory that arises" when we realize how great we are compared to everyone else. (Perhaps that's what behind the gleeful mirth of the evil genius in the old James Bond films.) Later, Kant and Schopenhauer thought laughter arose from incongruity, that is, when events don't conform to expectations (30 clowns emerge from a tiny car). And third, the relief theory, best elucidated by Freud, says that we laugh to release pent-up energy. Recall that passing mammoth.

These theories aside, laughter's health benefits have been touted for centuries. Norman Cousins's 1979 book, "Anatomy of an Illness" ([link]), describes beating cancer with "Candid Camera" episodes and Marx Brothers films; the Viennese psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote that at Auschwitz laughter was "another of the soul's weapons in the fight for self-preservation"; and the seventh-century Zen monks Kanzan and Jittoku believed in laughter as the path to inner peace.

For Stephan Wischerth, a certified laughter club leader in New York, no one needs a reason or a theory to laugh. Each week, he leads a handful of men and women in laughter at Healing Works Midtown Manhattan, a center that offers free holistic programs to low-income people.

"I'm not making anyone laugh," Mr. Wischerth explained. "We're not laughing at -- we're just laughing. We're giving each other license to laugh without embarrassment." After breathing and stretching exercises, followed by the laughter movement's mantra, "Ho-Ho-Ha-Ha-Ha," Mr. Wischert is ready to begin.

"Have you had a vowel movement today?" he asks, bending low and then stretching up in a moan that ends in a shriek-laugh, his face resembling the "before" photo of an Ex-lax commercial. The three others -- a registered nurse, an outreach worker, a minister -- follow suit with bulging veins and red faces. The room fills with the groan of vowels stretching into laughter. More exercises follow: the opera laugh, the chicken laugh, the subway laugh. The "Why Me?" laugh begins as a parody of misery and weeping, but the falsetto repetition of this threadbare query demonstrates, after about 45 seconds, that William Blake was right: "Excess of sorrow laughs."

Still, Mr. Provine, the behavioral neurobiologist, says there is little scientific evidence that laughter is good for you. "The presumed health benefits are few and far between," he said. Rather, laughter may be a side effect of good health.

"Laughter is about relationships," he said. "It may not be laughter that is healthy, but the environment -- the friends and family -- that lead to laughter. Laughter probably doesn't make us live longer, but if you like it, go for it."

Laugh clubbers are. Mr. Wilson dreams of the day when he'll lead the United Nations in a lion laugh for peace, and Dr. Kataria wants to see the Olympics begin with a laugh. Laughter is certainly more democratic now than it was back in Voltaire's day, when aristocrats went to the local asylum and taunted the inmates to get some kicks.

Saturday, June 28, 2003

Bush Proposes Universal Time Zone

28 Jun 2003 @ 17:10
My friend Warren sent me this.

-For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood, but now I found out the real reason: We're tired because we're overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million; 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. This leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces.
This leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. That leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do all the work... You and me ... And you're sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. More >

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Swami for President!

4 comments

11 Jun 2003 @ 18:37
Swami for President!
“Happy Medium” Tosses Turban Into the Ring

Wake Up Laughing

SAN FRANCISCO -- Swami Beyondananda is not a serious candidate for the Presidency .. and that is precisely why he is tossing his turban into the ring and asking for your vote. After all, look where the serious candidates have gotten us. Says the Swami: “We’re faced with a scary dictator protected by an Elite Republican Guard who has threatened to use weapons of mass destruction -- and now we’re dealing with Saddam too!”

The problems may be serious, says the Swami, but maybe the solutions are humorous. “A lot of people have gotten the feeling that there’s definitely something funny going on. Well, who better than a comedian to deal with it? Hey, sometimes it takes a clown to catch a clown.”

In a political climate filled with snarling dogmas, the Swami presents himself as just what he is -- a happy medium. Running on the Right-To-Laugh Party (“one big party, everyone is invited”), the Swami hopes to use the magic of laughter to shine a light on those poorly-lit corridors of power -- and promote “laugh, liberty and the pursuit of happiness -- unless happiness is a warm gun, in which case some restrictions may apply.”

“I have taken the political pulse in this country,” the Swami says, “and I have good news. We still have one. Barely. Because the body politic has suffered a series of serious power seizures, and our Constitution has been weakened.”

Swami blames “laugh-threatening seriousness” which has caused fear to cloud our thinking and cause “truth decay.” Among the truths that seem to have atrophied, the Swami claims, are the truths that our Founding Fathers found self-evident -- that government rules only by the consent of the governed, and serves at the pleasure of the people.

“And many people aren’t pleased,” the Swami says, “because they see a lot of self-serving servants serving themselves first, their cronies second, and the people last. If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, do you know what he’d say? Well, first thing he’s say is, ‘Boy, do I feel old! Geez, I must be 260 by now!’ Second thing he’d say -- radical that he was -- is ‘Let’s fire those servants and hire new ones .. and if we really want to protect people from terror, we should strip search the government too.’”

While the Swami’s slant is decidedly progressive, he insists that he is strictly middle-of-the-road -- but, “middle of a very different road ... a road less traveled ... where people with different points of view actually listen to each other and find common solutions. We need more forums, and fewer againstums.” The Right-to-Laugh party seeks to bring together all political points of view in laughter, explains the Swami, “because only when we lovingly laugh at our foolishness can we seriously change things for the better.”

Swami’s basic message is the same alternative he poses to spending billions on the war on drugs -- “Improve reality!”

When reality is improved to the point where people choose to laugh instead of criticize, the Swami says, “we will achieve the uncritical mass needed to bring about Nonjudgment Day. That is where everyone wins beauty contests.” Swami claims to have had a vision of what Nonjudgment Day might be like -- all of the world leaders at the United Nations beginning their sessions with the Hokey Pokey, “and instead of Armageddon, we’ll have Disarmaggedon. The more we can visualize this, the more likely we are to step into a future of our own design -- and believe me, that beats what we’ve been stepping into recently.”

Indeed, one of the keynotes of Swami’s message he calls “Tell-Vision.” The key to changing the current programming, he explains, is “turn off your TV and tell a vision instead. As my own beloved guru Harry Cohen Baba used to say, ‘Life is like a good deli. If enough people order something, they have to make it.’” More >

Feeling Lonely? Snuggle Up To A Pet Cockroach

11 Jun 2003 @ 18:23
(C) 1999-2003 BBspot LLC BBspot is a satirical news and comedy source and meant to be funny. If you are easily offended, gullible or don't have a sense of humor we suggest you go elsewhere.

BBspot

World News
Tuesday,
May 20 12:01 AM EDT

By Brian Briggs

New York, NY - At the United Nations today President George W. Bush announced a proposal to unify all the world's time zones into a single Universal Time Zone (UTZ), formerly known as the Eastern Time Zone. [time_zone.gif]

The Future?

"It's unfair to the United States that other countries have the advantage of being in tomorrow while the US is stuck in today," said Bush. "If it's 9 PM in Washington D.C., it's already tomorrow in London or Paris. That patently unfair."

Bush continued, "Right now, Americans are losing jobs to other countries whose workforce can give overnight service during their normal daylight hours. We'll level the playing field and keep more jobs in the US with the UTZ."

If all countries agree it would make jet lag a thing of the past, and international callers wouldn't have to worry about waking someone up.

Experts have agreed the the current system is confusing. Some areas use Daylight Saving Time. Others are shifted by a half an hour. It causes unnecessary confusion and is estimated to decrease worldwide GDP by a half of a percent every year.

"Under the Bush UTZ plan, countries could either keep their current schedules and just adjust their clocks, or they could change their whole society to match the new time. But Bush warned against the former option, "It would be very risky for countries to eat lunch at a different time than the US. You are either with us or against us on this."

Britain immediately supported the US plan. "If it means sleeping in broad daylight then we'll stick with our allies," said Tony Blair, "Of course there's never broad daylight in the UK, so it's not much of an issue."

Opponents of the plan, which include many prominent biologists, said that it will throw off the normal circadian rhythms that humans have, and that "species with almost human intelligence like dolphins and lawyers will be unduly traumatized by the clock shift."

France, another opponent of the plan, claimed it is too Anglocentric, and should be based on French time. President Chirac did concede that "it wouldn't affect us too much because all our workers stop working at noon anyway."

Whether or not the rest of the world implements the UTZ, Bush plans to have UTZ in place by October in the US. "I get confused when I go from DC to the ranch. I can't remember what time it is. Is it ten? Is it eleven? Under my plan everyone can watch The West Wing at the same time, and those lazy Californians can get up at a decent hour like the rest of us." More >

Monday, June 9, 2003

17 comments

9 Jun 2003 @ 09:01
Feeling Lonely? Snuggle Up To A Pet Cockroach

By Belinda Goldsmith
Reuters / MSNBC May 19, 2003

CANBERRA, Australia, May 19 - Dog too demanding? Allergic to cats? Then how about coming home to a lovable, giant cockroach? Workers in Australia's pet industry say the demand for insects as pets has risen in the past five years because of more cramped living -- and so has the number of people befriending cockroaches, with the biggest of the species native to Australia.

"Admittedly they are a bit of an unusual pet, but the kids can play with them without getting hurt and they are very low maintenance," said John Olive, one of the major suppliers of giant cockroaches to the pet market within Australia.

"I'm surprised more people don't want them as pets."

But roach-lovers are not settling for second best and befriending any of the little critters that scuttle around your kitchen at night or the offensive brown things with huge wings that fly in when you open the balcony door in summer.

They want the world's biggest cockroach, the giant burrowing cockroach or rhinoceros cockroach that is native to Australia, and found in the warm, northeastern state of Queensland.

"These really are charming creatures. They're clean, they're not stinky at all and there really is nothing horrible about them except for the name cockroach," said Sue Hasenpusch of the Australian Insect Farm, another supplier.

These gigantic cockroaches, officially called Macropanesthia Rhinoceros, grow as big as the palm of a hand, measuring about 3.15 inches and weighing 1.2 ounces. They are also known to live up to 10 years.

TENDER, LOVING CARE

Huge and shiny with spiky legs, they can be kept in a medium sized tank with four to five inches of sandy soil at room temperature, surviving on dry eucalyptus or gum tree leaves.

They don't seem to mind handling and some cockroach owners even say their animal hisses softly when stroked.

Animal trainer Steve Austin, who has kept giant cockroaches, said they were quite clever animals, wingless and slow moving.

Within seven days, he managed to train a group of cockroaches to come when they were called, climbing over small obstacles and through a hoop, to reach some food 6.4 feet away.

"They certainly won't be greeting you at the door with a newspaper in their mouth like a dog, but they can respond as a pet as much as a fish, coming when called," Austin said.

"They have a certain intelligence and they are getting quite well known as pets now although it is still a new thing."

He brushed aside suggestions these giant cockroaches were dirty in any way or spread disease -- unlike some of their smaller cousins who thrive in sewers and rubbish tips.

"They're no dirtier than a domestic rat or mouse," he said.

Australia is home to about 450 native species of cockroach which are not pests and are mainly bush dwellers, while globally there are an estimated 4,000 species of cockroach.

But there are around six species of pest cockroach in Australia, most of which were introduced from outside the island continent and now plague almost every house.

ESCAPING THE STIGMA

Fans of giant cockroaches are quick to distance themselves from the household pests and some pet shops rename them litter bugs, rain beetles or macrobugs to escape the cockroach stigma.

The Australian Insect Farm sells "giant litter bug" kits, comprising of an insect house, sand, some food and three young little bugs, for A$71.50 ($45 U.S.).

Peter Nobbs, executive officer of Australia's pet welfare group, the Pet Industry Joint Advisory Council, said urban living often prevented people from keeping a dog or cat but insects or small reptiles were ideal for life in an apartment.

Although the trend is fairly new in Australia, Japan has always had a large market for live insects, with some vending machines even selling live beetles for pets, while stick insects are becoming increasingly popular in Britain.

Nobbs said developments in the technology involved in the pet industry, such as lighting and heating, had made keeping insects more popular as it was now much easier to keep them alive.

"The animals becoming trendy are the ones that are more portable, with way less animal welfare issues involved in keeping an insect or small reptile in an urban area," Nobbs said.

"And let's face it, people just like bizarre pets."

Instructions for Care More >

Sunday, June 1, 2003

Actual Signs In Non-English Speaking World . . .

Not George Carlin's, but Funny Nonetheless

1 Jun 2003 @ 20:20
Actual Signs In Non-English Speaking World . . .

(more funny sign photos)

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On a Thai highway river crossing:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

A sign seen on a restroom automatic hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED.

Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOTICE.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIETS REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Thursday, May 1, 2003

Can't Keep a Good Man Down...

1 May 2003 @ 08:35
Thanks to eternal1 for alerting me to the fact that there are a lot of writings attributed to George Carlin that are NOT his. On his website he speakes to this issue.

Originally I posted the jokes below as his creation, however they are not. Enjoy them nonethelesss. Somebody's imaginative wit was at work here.
------------------------------------------------------

The English language can be so easily misunderstood and
then there are those who intentionally mess it up:

Mixed Idioms

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Why do we say something is "out of whack"? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you have to touch it to be sure?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? More >

Saturday, April 26, 2003

137 More Oil Wells Liberated For Democracy

26 Apr 2003 @ 16:23
With respect to his family.

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at this moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

Saturday, April 12, 2003

The U.S. flag flies high atop a newly liberated oil well.

12 Apr 2003 @ 11:21
From The Onion

A tongue in cheek (i.e. humorous) article.

RUMAILAH OIL FIELDS, IRAQ—The U.S. continued to make progress in its fight against totalitarianism Tuesday, when 137 more oil wells were liberated for democracy.

"For decades, these oil wells have suffered untold misery under Saddam Hussein's tyrannical rule," said U.S. Commander General Tommy Franks, speaking from southern Iraq's Rumailah oil fields, the site of the liberation. "With this victory, these long-oppressed wells will soon pump their first barrels of crude as free and equal wells in the global petroleum marketplace. They will join the ranks of the world's liberated oil wells, enjoying the same rights as their democratic brethren around the globe."

The Rumailah wells are the latest of nearly 900 to be freed from the yoke of oppression by coalition forces. As U.S. troops continue to advance deeper into Iraq—armed with constant standing orders to "Secure the oil wells; repeat, secure the oil wells"—an estimated 1,500 more wells are expected to be liberated in the coming weeks.

For months, U.S. officials have gone to great lengths to assure the public, both in America and abroad, that the Iraq invasion is not motivated by oil interests—a sentiment echoed by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld during a press conference Monday.

"This war is not about oil," Rumsfeld said. "Our decision to intercede against this dictator and not against the dozens of other ruthless dictators in the world is not about oil. France and Russia's opposition to this war is not about the purely coincidental fact that both countries have lucrative, pre-existing oil contracts with Iraq. Furthermore, the interest of many U.S. corporations in the war has nothing to do with oil, either. This war is about liberty. Oil wells deserve liberty, too."

Continued Rumsfeld: "These oppressed Iraqi oil wells deserve the right to pump oil as freely as any other oil well on God's Earth—be it in Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, or an Alaskan wildlife refuge. It is crass and cynical to view this operation as being motivated by greed, profit, or the second-largest oil reserves in the Middle East. This war is motivated by one thing: democracy. Our military action is meant to provide all of Iraq's oil wells—be they big or small, staggeringly lucrative or merely very lucrative—with their God-given right to pump under a democratic system of self-governance."

In the weeks leading up to the war, the U.S. sought to make its intentions clear by air-dropping hundreds of thousands of pamphlets over Iraq assuring its people that the U.S. was not launching a war against them, but against Saddam Hussein. The pamphlets also gave Iraqi soldiers instructions on how to surrender properly, as well as a promise that they would be treated well if they did so. Most importantly, though, they included a stern admonition to all Iraqis not to burn any oil wells, warning that they would be hunted down and prosecuted as war criminals if they did.

U.S. officials hope that the pamphlets' message, especially the part about the oil wells, gets through.

"These valuable natural resources belong to the Iraqi people, who rely on their output for desperately needed food and medicine under the U.N.'s Oil-For-Food Program," Franks said. "But ultimately, we need to remember that these oil wells do not really belong to anybody. They, like any other free oil well, have the basic, inalienable right to independent representational government and self-determination under their own rule. Every oil well deserves to choose how and when it wishes to produce oil, and for whose economic benefit."

Aiding the wells in their transition to democracy will be Texaco, Mobil, and other U.S. businesses, each of which bring years of expertise in dealing with the problems and challenges that oil wells face in a free society. These private companies will be well-equipped to help manage the oil wells as they make the difficult adjustment to producing oil in freedom.

Despite the apparent inevitability of victory in Iraq, White House sources stress that the battle for oil-well liberty is far from over.

"We must remember that there are many, many oil wells living under oppression all across the world, not just in Iraq," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said. "Until every oil well enjoys the fruits of democracy, no oil well is truly free." More >

Friday, April 11, 2003

The Rock says...

11 Apr 2003 @ 16:06
"You know the world is going crazy when...
the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
Need I say more?"

- Chris Rock (comic) More >

Friday, April 4, 2003

Political Humor

Bill Gates On General Motors

4 Apr 2003 @ 18:25

Late Night Comments Re: War

BUZZFLASH NEWS ANALYSIS

BuzzFlash Note: This collection of jokes was compiled by Daniel Kurtzman and can be found, with updates, here.

"The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons." —Jon Stewart

"Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard."
—David Letterman

"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?"
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."
-- David Letterman

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring
that here if it works out."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida."
-- Jay Leno

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'"
-- Craig Kilborn

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem -- it's in North Korea."
-- Jon Stewart

"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'"
-- Jay Leno

"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts... regular, premium and unleaded."
-- Jay Leno

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war."
-- Jay Leno

"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is."
-- Jon Stewart

"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be
popular."
-- Jay Leno

"The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain."
-- Bill Maher

4 Apr 2003 @ 09:37
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept
this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. More >

Sunday, March 2, 2003

Beyonda News