| Tuesday, March 14, 2006 |  |
| Unethical Treatment of Animals | 0 comments |
| 14 Mar 2006 @ 07:41 I was walking down a street in Los Angeles and was horrified by what I saw. Luckily I had my camera, otherwise no one would have believed me. I thought at first to rescue these poor creatures, yet simply decided to turn a deaf ear.  |
| Saturday, February 25, 2006 | |
| ...And You Thought Balloons Were Harmless: Silly Humans | 1 comment |
 25 Feb 2006 @ 06:24And You Thought Balloons Were Harmless Not when you fill them with explosive Acetylene gas. (Who does that?) On the way to a Super Bowl party, a 46-year-old Wyoming man didn’t count on the forces of static electricity. When the balloon he had filled with welding gas rubbed across his back seats, it ignited and exploded — leaving him and his passenger with shrapnel wounds, broken eardrums, and potentionally two to six years in prison for “possession, use, or removal of explosives of incendiary devices More > |
| Wednesday, February 22, 2006 | |
| The Cat Piano | 1 comment |
| 22 Feb 2006 @ 08:55 The Cat Piano Chill out, PETA. The cat piano was the work of a German scholar over 350 years ago. Athanasius Kircher designed the cat piano and documented it in the Musurgia Universalis in 1650. The piano was designed to raise the spirits of an Italian prince who was too stressed out. The musician would select cats whose voices were at different pitches then arrange them in the pens accordingly. The piano delivered sharp pokes into the tails of the cats. Cruel? Definitely. Funny? Yeah, a little bit. More >  |
| Tuesday, February 7, 2006 | |
| Sleeping Bag You wear | 0 comments |
 7 Feb 2006 @ 21:19 SELK’BAG Sleeping Bag The SELK’BAG is a sleeping bag you wear. The entire bag, covered in straps and belts for maximum snugness, fits like a glove and makes you look like a plush Transformer. Confusingly, there’s no mention of the any way to remove the bottom portion for midnight walks to the latrine. |
| Tuesday, January 24, 2006 | |
| Canon Camera Does It All | 0 comments |
| 24 Jan 2006 @ 03:25 What can I say? Canon's new flagship camera.  |
| Sunday, October 23, 2005 | |
| A Jewish Parrot | 2 comments |
| 23 Oct 2005 @ 05:45 A JEWISH PARROT Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Qwawwwk ... vus machts du?" (how're ya doin') "Yeah, du." (Yeah, you.) Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. Perfect Yiddish. The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenstsprechen Yiddish?" (What? Can you speak Yiddish?) In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began to put on his Tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, and learned every prayer. He even wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew. One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer relented and carried the bird to Shul on his shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everyone is looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars.. He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot. Finally several blocks from the Temple, the parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?" "Meyer, don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!" More > |
| Friday, August 19, 2005 | |
| What else would you do with 15 million ice cream sticks? | 0 comments |
| 19 Aug 2005 @ 01:38 What else would you do with 15 million ice cream sticks? A replica Viking ship made of 15 million ice cream sticks is to be launched in Amsterdam on Tuesday by a former Hollywood stuntman who hopes eventually to sail it across the Atlantic. The 15-meter ship, which took Robert McDonald two years to build, is to be launched in Amsterdam harbor with a crew of around 25 in a bid to set a world record for the largest sailing ship made of ice cream sticks. The Viking longship, equipped with oars and a mast, is built with sticks of birch-wood glued together painstakingly by McDonald and two volunteers in a Dutch workshop. It is to be put through its paces for around 90 minutes Tuesday. "It's a dream come true. It's truly worth all the hard work," McDonald said Monday. "I never want to look at glue again. I don't think I will be in a hurry to look at ice cream sticks again," said the 45-year-old from Jacksonville, Florida. The ice cream sticks used to make the ship were provided by Unilever's ice cream maker OLA and by children who collected discarded sticks around the world. McDonald, whose Sea Heart Foundation (www.seaheartship.com) helps provide leisure activities for children in hospitals, hopes to sail his Viking ship across the Atlantic next year. "That's still the ultimate goal, to sail across the Atlantic in the Viking-style," McDonald said. Christopher Columbus was acclaimed for centuries as the man who discovered America in 1492. But in recent decades, more evidence has come to light showing that Icelander Leif Ericsson and the Vikings were the first Europeans to set foot on the American continent in the year 1,000. Viking longboats let Norse warriors land, pillage and plunder large parts of Europe and sail off knowing that no other vessels could catch up. |
| Friday, July 22, 2005 | |
| The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational | 51 comments |
| 22 Jul 2005 @ 01:47 The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's [link] winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 14. Glibido: All talk and no action. 15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. More > |
| Wednesday, July 13, 2005 | |
| 0 comments |
 13 Jul 2005 @ 04:08 "World's Ugliest Dog" Sam wins again The owners of the other contestants in this year's World's Ugliest Dog Contest may have thought their pooches had a chance - until they saw Sam. The 14-year-old pedigreed Chinese crested recently won the Sonoma-Marin Fair contest for the third consecutive time, and it's no surprise. The tiny dog has no hair, except for a yellowish-white tuft erupting from his head. His wrinkled brown skin is covered with splotches, a line of warts marches down his snout, his blind eyes are an alien, milky white and a fleshy flap of skin hangs from his withered neck. He's so ugly even the judges recoiled when he was placed on the judging table, said proud owner, Susie Lockheed, of Santa Barbara. ''People are always horrified when I kiss him. He may turn into a prince yet. He's definitely a toad,'' she said. ''I always thought he'd be great on greeting cards or on a commercial for Rogaine.'' |
| Friday, July 8, 2005 | |
| Pic of the Day | 0 comments |
 8 Jul 2005 @ 15:09 Yep, Jed, with this I'm sure they won't get away. How does this thing work again? |
| Friday, June 24, 2005 | |
| Gizoogle | 3 comments |
| 24 Jun 2005 @ 05:23 http://gizoogle.com "I started the site a few weeks ago," says Beatty, a 28-year-old Web designer. "I was talking to my buddy on AOL Instant Messenger and he always talks in that izzle-speak, and I do it to my wife all the time and she hates it. I was thinking that it might be cool if there was a site that searched and all of the answers came up in that format." It started as a joke and a homage to Snoop Dogg for bringing izzle-speak back to the hip lexicon. But now the Web site is clocking 60,000 hits a day, according to Beatty. In February, the site landed at No. 4 on Entertainment Weekly's "Must List." Only U2's "All Because of You" video, Patricia Arquette in "Medium" and the movie "Aliens of the Deep" were rated cooler. In geek-speak, here is how the site works: Using a programming language called PHP, the program counts the syllables and vowels and adds "izzle" whenever possible and also throws in some of Snoop's lyrics. As a homage to Snoop's show, "I made it so that television pops up as televizzle every time," says Beatty, whose full-time job is running Originalicons.com, a Web site that provides instant-messaging buddy icons. The Gizoogle site also offers a translator called a "textilizer." If you input the words to something, say, sweet and innocent, such as the "Barney" theme song, and hit enter you get something like: I love you / you love me / we're one stoked family / witta bootylicious big hug and a kiss fizzle from me ta you / won't you say you love me, too? The Gizoogle site mirrors Google's multicolored lettering, but the O's in Gizoogle are filled with chromed-out wheel rims. "When I first put the site up, I had these crappy gold spoke rims on there and then my friend was like, you have got to get some spinners on there," Beatty says. Google officials aren't commenting, but this isn't the first time Google has had to deal with folks biting its style. In 2004, lawyers for Google challenged Booble, a porn search engine. Booble changed its look and is still up and running. And Beatty isn't the only one out there izzilating. The master himself, Snoop Dogg, has his own version on his Web site, SnoopDogg.com. "After I put the site up, someone called me and told about Snoop's thing," Beatty says. Gizoogle "is a parody site," he says. " . . . I think that the people at Google have a pretty good sense of humor. It is all in good fun. . . . I look at this like a science project. I am just trying to see how far I can take it." More > |
| Thursday, June 23, 2005 | |
| Unique Thinking | 1 comment |
| 23 Jun 2005 @ 05:02 This concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen. "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer, which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, holding his forehead in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But the barometer would be destroyed." "Or, if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper." "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g)." "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up." "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building." "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'." The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics, and Albert Einstein was one of his closest friends. More > |
| Monday, June 13, 2005 | |
| Our Favorite Old Songs | 0 comments |
| 13 Jun 2005 @ 05:00 For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples: Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising" Marvin Gaye-- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" The Troggs--"Bald Thing" Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone" ABBA--"Denture Queen" Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair" The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends" <>Chicago--"Does anyone know what year it is?" <> The Sweet--"Bathroom Blitz" <> Neil Diamond--"Cherry Maalox" <> Maria Mudaur--"Midnight at the Old Folks Home" |
| Friday, June 3, 2005 | |
| Word Play | 0 comments |
| 3 Jun 2005 @ 19:13 Or should I say Wyrd Play The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's [link] winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 2. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an butthole. 3. Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte (n.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness. 11. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 12. Karmageddon (n.) : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 14. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action. 15. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. |
| Monday, May 30, 2005 | |
| What Effect Composers Have On Your Child | 0 comments |
 30 May 2005 @ 17:46You have heard and read of the Mozart Effect -- playing classical music to your children raises their IQ -- which has been pretty well debunked. The Mozart Effect Read what a blogger considers the effect of playing music by other composers to your child. Liszt effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important. Bruckner effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity. Wagner effect: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister. Mahler effect: Child continually screams - at great length and volume - that he's dying. Schöenberg effect: Child never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards, up-side-down, even up-side-down and backwards -- usually in early teens. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him. Babbitt effect: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child doesn't care because all his playmates think he's "cool." The John Cage Effect: Child is silent but rotates his arm clockwise then counterclockwise 45 minutes at time. Alec Wilder is offered a record contract if he can cut the piece down to 39 minutes. |
| Friday, May 27, 2005 | |
| Why Women Think Men Are Immature | 4 comments |
 27 May 2005 @ 18:11 What can I say..... More funny fotos at Rock 103 More >      |
| Monday, March 15, 2004 | |
| The Thermodynamics of Hell | 2 comments |
| 15 Mar 2004 @ 16:47 The Thermodynamics of Hell The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well! Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (Absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First. we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over? So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year. "..that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her. Then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" More > |
| Sunday, January 11, 2004 | |
| How Now, Brown Cow? | 2 comments |
| 11 Jan 2004 @ 23:52 How Now, Brown Cow? From Jerry L. Gardner 1-9-4 With all the talk about MCD (mad cow disease) in conjunction with all the standard bovine excrement that continually flows out of Washington, I recently discovered something that has been around for many years now, the politico/socio ownership of the poor dairy cow. I couldn't help but notice just how timely this piece really is. In keeping up with times and in an effort to remain politically correct, some discerning individual has revised and modified the original statement (which only included items down to DICTATORSHIP), to include the most up to date political gymnastics with the poor cows. FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cow. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens that the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all of the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor decides who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor picks someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain, then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law in the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax reduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian Intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority stockholder, who sells the rights to all seven cow's milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specific gender. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like.these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. More > |
| Monday, December 15, 2003 | |
| Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. | 6 comments |
| 15 Dec 2003 @ 16:29 Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye-- they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL, LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC! More > |
| Monday, December 8, 2003 | |
| Christmas Party December 1 TO: All Employees | 2 comments |
| 8 Dec 2003 @ 12:04 Christmas Party December 1 TO: All Employees I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ---------------------------------- December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ---------------------------------- December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director ---------------------------------- December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director --------------------------------- December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," There is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis Human Rat-races ---------------------------------- December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell ---------------------------------- December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director More > |
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