19 Aug 2003 @ 20:12, by Raymond Powers
There's been immense transformation in my life lately, changes, difficult decisions made that affect not only myself but those around me. I trust this process when others may not. It's familiar ground, an old friend yet different in its' newness. I have delved deep into the abyss of my Soul, questioning my motives, coming to understand potentials and possibilites, facing my humanity and fragility of my humanness, also my strength and courage to follow my heart, daring to put myself first, for my own health and well Being and....happiness. I've been graceful and dreadfully ungraceful. I've been compassionate as well as irresponsible. Yet, I stand by my choices, I stand for my Souls yearnings, I stand where I can be in peace not war, I stand at the precipice looking into the unknown and looking into the faces of those who would judge me. Judge me for cowardice, or immaturity, or deceitfulness. For running away. Judging me as they no doubt judge themselves as well, for we hone our skills on the shores of our inner terrain. Yet, even knowing this, my ego gets bruised, seeking to be understood, wanting to defend myself, my voice heard, my experience of Life expressed and shared. Angry at sides taken, opinions formed, character assessment. Though I have not always been forthright and honest, I am a champion for truth. Sometimes fear has me act otherwise and I apologize for my foibles. With all the struggle and suffering we endure it's amazing how easily some forget unconditional love, compassion, forgiveness and allow themselves to slip into sleep walking, a fall from grace, embracing instead the critic and juror. Can the rhetoric of attack be transformed? Can relationship and communication replace assumption and story? My wish is to have community that shares, dreams and creates together. That asks the hard questions to whom they concern, and is willing to hear the answers even if in disagreement. That holds a vision gently, with ease and allows for change. Where each individual supports their relation with every other person and with the consciousness of the group. Where personal freedom is honored side by side with collective agreement. Where judgement is tempored by forgiveness and understanding. Where the earth is honored and Spirit is emobodied. This is the grand social experiment called human Being to which I wish to grow and grow my-Self up in. Sometimes this, and usually, requires that I stop trying to look good, to fit in, to appease everyone else and make choices that might stir the hornets nest. And it stings. The hornets come out in force and I must breathe deep and dive into waters relief, where stingers cannot reach me. Here magic dwells, Merlin resides and I feel safe to weave my dream, my life, the fabric of my emotion and mind, explore the gifts of vision and a knowing that only I seem to trust at times. A trust I believe in, as I kneel at the altar that holds the torch of truth.